I’m a fighter, not a coward

I passed the halfway mark of my current chemo regime this week.  I had my 46 hour pump disconnected today and learned that my tumor markers went up again, by about 20 points.  It’s not an astronomical increase, but not the news I wanted.  I’ve been trying not to freak out over this development.  On the one hand, right after I began this particular chemo combo my markers went up and then steadily decreased, so this could be another fluke.  On the other hand, my markers began going up when my original chemo regime stopped working.  And then all the cancer we worked so hard to kill came back.

So, when I go back for my next treatment (8/9), we’ll test again.  If the markers rise instead of decline, we do a switcheroo and pick a new chemo to kill what we have left.  The great news is that if this chemo has now failed, we have caught it early and we can hit the cancer hard with something new. 

I took a long, warm bath and prayed.  I asked for a continued healing from God, but most of all, I asked for Him to give me peace, to take away my fear.  I hate fear.  It’s counterproductive and it makes me feel weak and helpless.  I’m not.  I’m bigger than this cancer, I have way more friends, and I have God and medicine at my back.  I’ve fought way too hard to give up to fear.  God, if you’re listening, thanks for the boost.  When I was baptised recently, I was given 2 lives, not just 1.  He gave me a new life here on earth, and I feel that difference.  I’m nicer to people, I notice more things about the world, and I appreciate what I have.  As I was laying there in the bathtub, alone with my tears and God, I noticed that the gray tile in my brand spanking new bathroom reminds me of the clouds I envision in Heaven.  The beautiful light green glass tile that accents the shower and bath reminds me of sea glass.  It’s just so peaceful. 

So, I got some peace and then I got my fight on.  I will fight this piece of crap cancer until I can’t physically fight anymore.  And I’m far, far from that.  You’ve got another week and a half until I know for sure if my chemo stopped working.  And then you’re gonna get hit, pal.  I don’t mess around….

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rebecca
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 19:05:33

    You are so remarkably beautiful! Your strength and your faith are such an inspiration to me, and, I’m sure, to so many others. I want us both to stick around on this pitiful old earthly plane for quite awhile longer, but it is a comfort to me to know that we will be together for eternity! I love you, my dearest niece!

    Reply

  2. Mom
    Jul 31, 2010 @ 07:13:57

    Fists Up!

    Reply

  3. Rebecca
    Aug 02, 2010 @ 08:04:51

    Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that you found me? I know that my fight has become a little less stressful knowing that I have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I am talking about. I really hope that it has been the same for you. Fight, Fight, Fight, Harmony! And when you are tired and need someone to lean on or get you fired up to fight again, lean on me! call on me! Sending you hugs and lots of prayers!

    Reply

    • harmonyrogers
      Aug 02, 2010 @ 08:36:40

      The Foggy Dew was awesome, awesome! I so wish I had that kind of a gift. But I can use a calculator like nobody’s business! 4 1/2 years for you, baby! You’re my inspiration – when I sometimes have doubt, I remind myself, “Rebecca did it, so can I!!” In 10 more years, we’ll STILL be kicking cancer’s butt.

      Reply

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